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  • Stephanie Fuller

Building a monument to myself



It feels so smooth so you pick it up and put it in your pocket

You wake up but its still dark and you can remember bits and pieces but not the whole thing

When you look at the time the clock says it’s the same time as last night when you woke up at the same time

From your seat you can see it all but it takes ages and ages and you’re not even sure when it’s going to finished

He’s not sure how long you’ve been here for

You check the running time but the browser crashed and you were in a rush

You’re not sure if you’ll have to sit here for a long time

You work out what time you arrived and take a guess and you think it’s probably OK

You take a sip of red wine and wish that you were drinking the wine you opened last night but didn’t finish and set it down on the counter

The ticket price was fairly cheap but she said it would have been better spent on framing that picture of you both at the wedding when you were both wearing the same hats

Deep inside they’re hoping that they were nearly there

Your finger taps on the side of your chair

He stares at the clock

You smile at each other with the look that says it’s ok even though either of you think it is

You suspect it has started and that makes you feel good and it’s easy to resign yourself to it because you’re here anyway and so, you know…

The pebble is in the shape of something that makes you think of something else

It feels much cooler than you expected and so you wonder what its made of

He tells you to turn it off because it’s late and the light makes his eyes hurt

It’s difficult to stop because you’ve started now and it would be weird if you didn’t finish it

You’re not sure when you started because it was on your mind the whole time anyway and it would’ve been difficult to have pin pointed the exact point when it started

The images all mesh into one and you can see a few things at once, even when you’re awake

The first time was when you were on your way to her house and you stopped

They tell each other how they can’t wait for it to happen because it’s been so long in the making it’s all they can ever think about

She wasn’t sure why you did it. You weren’t sure why you did it.

He stands and stares. She sits and listens. They all look round and shrug their shoulders, no one is sure when it starts.

You tap your fingers against your watch.

It feels like ages and ages even though it’s only been a few minutes.

She stops talking

.

.

.

.

.

You make a gesture with your hands that indicates you need to get going

By the time it gets going you need to go. You’ve had to go anyway. You weren’t planning on being here very long after all.

So everyone decides to stay because you might as well.

You balance one stone on top of another just to see if it will stay like that.

It was so clear in your mind but now you have to show it it is much harder than you thought it was

You make sure your name is on the list.

You make sure your picture is on the wall.

You make sure it’s exactly how you saw it.

It takes such a long time and it feels like ages but you love it

It doesn’t even feel like you’ve been there for that long and he reminds you that time flies by when you’re having fun

You lie in bed and because you can’t sleep you play the time out like it is a film in your head

It keeps moving even though you tell it not to

She knows how hard it is to stop so she says it’s ok even though you don’t think she means it

You keep a notepad by your bed just in case

You note it down but she picks it up

He thinks it should go here but you told him ages ago that it looks much better there

You explain you find it hard to find the words







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